The Wedding Report

There's been a lot of talk about this next Redneck Report segment. Maybe too much talk. This is not a Rebel Blog. This is, Wedding Report, Bloody Wedding Report. I now give you over to Bono. Bono, your mic is on.

BONO:
"Thanks Jebby. Ladies and Gentlemen this is the Edge! Adam Clayton! Larry Mullen Jr! I'm just a fly on the wall. Start that sniper drum beat! Let's go!"

I can't believe the vows today

I cant close my eyes and make them go away
How wrong...
How long must this day go on?
How wrong? how wrong...

Tonight...we'll get shitface drunk Tonight...

Crazy wedding shoes don't fit his feet
Smoked a bowl in the Escort, discreet
the pot didn't help at all
No escaping from
The wrongness of it all!

Wedding, bloody Wedding
Wedding, bloody Wedding
Wedding, bloody Wedding (Wedding bloody Wedding...)
(alright let's get blitzed!)

And the battles have just begun
Soon they'll fight all day, so who has won?
The trench is dug within their hearts
And mothers, children, brothers, sisters torn apart

Wedding, bloody Wedding
Wedding, bloody Wedding

How wrong...
How long can this day go on?
How wrong? how wrong...

Tonight...we'll get shitface drunk Tonight...
Tonight...

Wedding, bloody Wedding (tonight)
Reception Tonight
Wedding, bloody Wedding (tonight)
(we'll get numb tonight!)

Drink the beer from your sweating glass
Lift your leg and pass some wedding gas!

Do a shot today
Drink those beers away
I'll drink my beer away
(Wedding, bloody Wedding)
I drink a bloody mary
(Wedding, bloody Wedding)

Wedding, bloody Wedding (Wedding, bloody Wedding)
Wedding, bloody Wedding (Wedding, bloody Wedding)
(here come some drunks!)

And it's true we are aghast
Her fact is fiction and her TV reality
And today she wines and moans
blogs and emails, sometimes through cell phones

The real battle's an endless route (Wedding, bloody Wedding)
To lose the "victory" Amy brought about (Wedding, bloody Wedding)
At the...

Wedding, bloody Wedding
Wedding, bloody Wedding...

"I hope we didn't 'bug ya,' we didn't mean to 'bug ya.' Let's bring it back down..Edge play the blues!"

From the whining wife comes a harrowing howl.
See it driving nails into the brain of this working owl.
From her the fire flies, his face has a dull red glow.
See a full glass of beer draining fast into his mouth below.
why why, why why?... why why, why why?
Screaming from Amy.. Screaming from Amy...
Screaming from Amy.. screaming at...

"Ian comes up to me ...His face red like a rose on a thorn bush..Like all the colors of a royal flush, he tells me about his married life. He tells me about his married life. Yes I can see them fighting now. I can see them fighting now. Peeling off those insults, slapping em down. 'YOUR FAULT!' 'YOUR FAULT!'

Across the messy rooms where the children sleep, through the hallways where the rage runs deep. Take the staircase to the upstairs floor, Turn the key and slowly push open the door. As a man breathes into his homebrew, through the walls we hear a cat sneeze (achoo!) Outside it's America! Outside it's America!"

Thanks Bono. Well done. Now go away, save some baby seals from the tree forest or something.

BONO: "Thank you! Goodnight!"

OK. So this is part 2 of Don's Infamous "Wedding Report" Redneck Report, I split the report up into 3 parts as I mentioned in the last Blog. Enjoy!

-Jebby


You've read this far. Might as well keep reading!

And in the classic words of Paul Harvey: "And now. . . .the rest of the story. "

Hey, I said they were classic, not good !

The Wedding Report

Ah. The world's most unprepared wedding. I remember. Sure, step right up to hear the tale. Please, excuse the excess invitations, but not all were mailed out.

Unfortunately, I had the ring, so the wedding was a go.

the ceremony was swell. Strange, but swell. Not that I'm 'Mr. Wedding' or anything, but I've never seen the entire groom side enter behind the Pastor. That's usually reserved for the 'Man of the Horror' and the Best Man. But, this wasn't the usual wedding. So there.

As I said, the wedding ceremony went well. It was afterwards that really took the cake. Most of the time, all the uncertainties are ironed out at the Rehearsal. Information is given out, like "Go here for the wedding, there for the pictures, here for the reception, there for the after-hours." But not here. No, sir.

After the ceremony we were presented with a unique plan: Go to the Ford Yacht Club after the wedding for the pictures instead of here at the church or where the reception was to be held. "Wha? Well, whatever, it's your wedding."

So, I grabbed John after everyone was leaving, told Ian that I'd see them at the yacht club, and we bolted to my house for new shoes (for me) and beer (for both of us). That relaxed us.

A short time later we pulled into the Ford Yacht Club and waited. And waited. And waited. Well, no one else was showing up. So I drove past the reception location (the Pilot House) , and saw two brides maids going in. So I parked and we got out of the car.

Mr. Douglass walked up to us. "You guys are suppose to be back at the Church for the pictures."

Great.

We headed back over to the church. Where we saw Pastor Aller. "They just left to go to Ford Yacht Club. We looked for you guys, but couldn't find you."

Great.

Back where we started.

Where we saw Amy.

Who thought she was angry. "Well, I assumed everyone was going to stay at the church for pictures."

"YOU DON'T ASSUME A GOD-DAMNED THING! YOU TELL IT TO EVERYONE!!!!" I think she got the point. She either guessed that I was angry then, or later during one of my subsequent rants about her stupidity.

She got on the phone and called up the other two brides maids who were already waiting for us at the Pilot House. "Well, they're not coming. Let's go."

"Wait. You do know, that's what happened last time. Someone had the brilliancy to decide something without telling half-of-the-fucking group."

She looked at me even more blankly. "Well, they're not here. Let's go."

Great.

We passed the other two brides maids on our way back.

Ten minutes later, they arrive back at the Pilot House. That's when things just started to get bad.

I hated my shoes. They didn't fit properly. So, I put on my Converse. A simple solution to a simple problem. Except in the eyes of our Dear-Abbey-reading photographer. "Got a problem with the shoes? You're the best man. This is not a fraternity gig, you know!"

I held my tongue. It looked as if he ate kids for breakfast. Pigs for lunch. And a cow for dinner. Boy, was this guy BIG. I wasn't sure a slap across the face would be felt. Plus, Mr. D was right behind him. I knew what was good for me.

So, for the next five minutes, I was quiet. Until he was in ear shot of me. Then, it was a free-for-all. "Where did you find this guy? In an alley? 'Here's a Twinkie. Twelve more if you snap pictures of us.'" And on into the night.

Well, not really. The reception was over at 9:30pm. But, whenever I thought he could hear me, I made sure he knew I didn't like him (duhhhh, I'm brave dat way!)

Oh yea. That reminds me. As soon as the wedding party got there, the DJ kept on saying that he'd have to break down soon. I think it was only two hours of music. Pretty hard to get drunk in that time, let me assure you.

Prologue:
And now, the funniest thing that took place on Ian's wedding day, and can you believe that I almost forgot about it?! My God, am I an idiot (and I don't want to hear anyone agreeing with me, damnit!)

The scene: Lloyd's.

Ian and Amy showed up. Wha? Yes, they show up. In the timeline of things this is:

1. Shortly after their wedding reception, and
   
   
2. Right before Ian decided he wanted an affair (and that was after only about 5 hours into the marriage. Boy this one sounded pretty solid!).
   

Michael (drunk, go figure) looked at Ian. Raising his hand high into the air, he screamed, "I know I'll probably make everyone at this table sick, but shouldn't you guys be somewhere?! You know, like a HOTEL ROOM OR SOMETHING! COME ON, YOU'RE MARRIED!!!!"

He was right. I saw many a face become green.

Of course, then Ian wanted to know if anyone wanted to go to the truck stop or maybe Denny's. Yea. Happily ever after.

Next: The final segment of "The Wedding Report," Big Boy gets a Badge!