Well spank my sister (2008 election thoughts)

And now we'd like to present our newest contributor, Geoff-Bob McBackBacon. Wait, no, we'd really like to ignore him completely. Alas, we cannot. Blackmail photos, if you must know. We'll just apologize in advance.
-Jebby

TWO DOUBLE OH EIGHT ELECTION THOUGHTS
by Geoff-Bob McBackBacon

Ah'm sitting here reading up about such things as the two-double-oh-eight election and whom our next president might end up as. Because there's nothing on E! right now. And it seems to me that we have no choice that makes a durn lick o' sense.

On the tree-hugging chunky-lesbo side, we have Swillary with her "I voted for the war when it wuz right, but now it's wrong and it's not my fault" stance. We got Baracka-O-boya with his "I'd like to talk loud and show off my 6 pack abs but I'm so young I just reached political puberty " level of experience. Do we want a damned rookie running the country? We just tried that with Dumbya! And who else. Oh yea, John Edwards, who kissed John Kerry on the lips in 04! And his favorite 80's band was Haircut $400.* No thanks, my sister cuts my hair for free if I give her enough malt liquor and a spanking.

On the bible-belting flag-waving closeted-fagosexual side we got John "shell-shocked" McBrains. We already had one Alzheimer's Addled president, and he trickled down on all of us, ruining a perfectly good t-shirt of mine. It was one of those tees that looks like a tuxedo. I miss it. Do we really need a president stumbling around with a WW1 helmet on diving under desks all the time? They did that bit on the show "SOAP." And of course good old Ghouliani, who's crowning achievement was that he was in town when planes hit buildings. We didn't elect the Hindenburg guy who cried out "Oh the humanity!" so let's not let freeloader Ghouliani in on that clause either. I don't care how many women he can hoodwink into marrying him over the years. He should rent the cows and get the milk for free if he thinks he's so special. And let's not forget Mitt Romney who actually believes in a religion of freaky deakys who have more than one wife AT THE SAME TIME. I'm sorry but no God I believe in would let you set yourself up for that much bitching. God has compassion, damn it!

Wait, actually let's forget Romney. And the other 56 jerks running who don't have a lick of spit's chance on a red hot griddle of getting a single electatorial vote. Newt Gingrich. Yea right! Hey Republicans, you turned our President into a NEWT! Except this one won't get better.

I say clear the field completely and get Fred Thompson and Al Gore to enter. The Hollywood Squares, 2008 Edition! And let's have a real fight. The Grizzled Law and Order vet versus the Global Warming Chicken Little. I don't even know who I would vote for then, but I'd give the edge to old Fred because he knows how to bark out orders to people on TV, while Al Gores speeches make shrews lay down and go to sleep. Al Gore may have showed slides of icebergs falling on baby seals, but Fred cussed out John freakin McLane in Die Hard 2! Now that's class.

Maybe ah'll just write in Brittany and her Spears, with Paris Hilton as the VP. And we can have a show. "Presidential Bimbos." Make a reality show out of their exploits as leaders of the free world. I can see the headlines now.

"International rave party spurs on Middle East Peace Treaty!"

"History made! First President to be involved in gang bang."

"Vice President shoves arm up cow's butt for charity!"

Oops E! is back on. Tope 100 beaver shots of 2006. I gots to go.

-Geoff-Bob McBackBacon

* in the 80's there wuz a band called "Haircut 100." Come on, Dennis Miller would have got huge laughs for that obscure reference. Work with me here you jerks.