NUTS! and Wingnuts

A "NEW" Report from Don! This is.. heck I dunno... less than 6 months old I think. We're now all caught up! Hopefully.

Anyhow, you have my solemn promise that from here on out, it's all new Reports!*

-jebby

*-unless I post more Old Reports, that is. 

NUTS! And Wingnuts

Ok. So about last night.

Actually, let me preface this. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I take Lia (the 3 1/2 years old) to speech class so she can work on the "F" sound. This is so when she counts, it doesn't come out as "one, two, three, sour, sive."

No problem. Now it comes out "one, two, three, FFFF-sour, FFFFFF-sive.' Good work, teachers!!

I get the grocery list on those days; Lia and I do the shopping after speech class (it's a long list week, which means I miss half of the Simpsons due to shopping and unloading and watching Lori put everything away). This means that, by 6:30pm, we're usually staring at each other wondering what to do about dinner; no one quite willing to think.

Back to the story. Let's establish the timeline.

• 6:30pm. Luckily for the kids, we had some leftover pizza and whatnot for them, and I grabbed some leftovers for myself.
  
  
• 7:30pm. As we were getting the girls ready for bed, I grabbed some cashews (honey roasted!) to eat.
  

• Shae wanted some, so I gave her one.
  
  
• Lia wanted one, so I gave her one.
  
  
• Brenna wanted one. I found out 2 years ago not to give a 1-year old a nut the hard way (the swelling from the slap went down in a few weeks....). Brenna got nothing.
  

No problem, right?

• 7:35pm. About 5 minutes after she ate the nut, Lia started to look bad. She had a sour look on her face, complaining that her tongue was itchy.

I took care of Brenna for the night (brushed her teeth, put her down in her crib).

Lia started to complain more that she wasn't feeling well, and looked a bit like she was going to puke.

Lori, (who's allergic to nuts mind you), got concerned.

I went outside to deal with the trash (as all good fathers do).

Lori went to the basement to find all the parenting books to see what they had to say about nut allergies.

Mind you, she's allergic to nuts.

When I got back inside from dealing with the trash, Lia was on the couch. Her lips looked like Anglena Jolie's. She was lethargic. Lori had about 57 books stacked up, including but not limited to:

• encyclopedias
  
• self-help
  
• doctor-help
  
• parenting-help
  
• child-help
  
• help-help
  
• house-help
  
• allergies for dummies
  
• Beatles Help!

...and she was flipping through them. Occasionally, she would grab a stepladder, climb it, reach to the top of the pile and replace a book with a new book. I’m not sure, but I think she spent most of her time looking through the "Ghosts of Ireland" book.

I said "Hey, if you think it's bad enough, I'll drive her to the Urgent Care."

• 7:45pm. It was snowing heavily outside. We belong to St. Joe's which means I would have to drive to Canton for this. Lori was still frantically flipping through glossaries and thick books to try to find the info. I suggested MD.com.That didn't go over well.So, I called St. Joe's Urgent Care to see what they suggested, and being an urgent care kind of place, I hung up after being on hold for 10 minutes.

• 7:55pm. Hung up after being on hold for 10 minutes (see previous item)
  

Back in the living room, on TV the hockey announcers were talking about some massive benchmark, and the ref dropped the puck at center ice. Hey! Did Schneider just score his 200th??

I should mention that I'm a Red Wings fan. The game was on. Back to the story..

Lia was still resting on the couch, lips still puffy, lethargic. Shae was patting Lia's hand and informing us all, 'Shhh! Sissy sleeping!" Even though it was bedtime; Shae was still fully clothed. She had been hiding under the end table so we couldn't get her changed.

Lia didn't want to be disturbed, wouldn't open her mouth, etc.

I cannot reiterate enough that Lori's allergic to nuts. With this in mind I said, "Hey, why don't I just drive her to the urgent care? I mean, I have my coat on still, from dealing with the trash."

The Good News: The Trash was out! And now back to the story.

A few more flips through parts of 90 other Good Parenting books later, Lori finally said, "Let's just call 911."

A fire truck came.

Shae was now running up and down the length of the house because we had to open the blinds to see when the ambulance (Nay! Fire truck!) would show up. She finally ran up to the window to look out, beaming about the snow and amazed at the "twirley bright red lights" and blaring sound of the fire truck. Fire Truck!

Meanwhile, all I could think was: "I have to brush her teeth and get her to bed?!?!"

The firemen came inside, and examined Lia. She was of course still on the couch, wheezing, breathing shallow. They listed her as 'unresponsive'. I listed her as 'sleeping'.

Shae was having a blast, she'd stand next to the firemen, 'examine' Lia,* then go running down the hallway to check out the pretty lights and the snow. The ambulance showed up about 5 minutes later, much to her delight.

*This consisted of Shae petting Lia's hand and saying "SSSHH! Sissy sleeping"

• 5 minutes after 911 is dialed: Ambulance shows up

The firemen grabbed Lia, and I gave them her princess blanket** so that she was properly covered up as they carried her to the ambulance through the snowstorm. Lori went them.

** Well, it’s not really 'her' blanket. Both Lia and Shae fight constantly over this blanket. They have 2 blankets; a princess blanket and an Elmo blanket. When Shae naps, she likes to be covered by both. When Shae sleeps, she likes to be covered by the princess blanket. When Lia sleeps, she likes to be covered by the princess blanket. We’ve never bought a second princess blanket.

Shae of course was still running around.

Later Lori said that, literally, as soon as the they all went outside into the cold, Lia perked right up and was her usual self. BUT, since she was 'unresponsive' and had this allergic reaction, they wanted to take her to Oakwood Hospital for 'observation.' So off they went.

Our neighbor came over to see if everything was ok. I asked her to stand by I'd come over and get her to watch the girls later so I could pick up Lori and Lia whenever they were done.

On one of Shae's return paths down the hallway, I grabbed her and told her it was time for bed. To which, she responded, "But I'm not tired!" Which was true. To prove it she sprinted and leaped onto the sofa. Nonetheless, I grabbed her and start getting her into her room. Which, she promptly replied with, "But brush teeth!" Oy.

So, we went into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She wanted to know where sissy was, they usually brushed their teeth together. Oy.

After the teeth got brushed, she did one last lap around the living room, and 'hopped' to bed. I mean, literally. She hops down the hallway every night to her bedroom. She crawled up onto Lia’s bed, looked at me, and said, “Me want princess blanket!!” Great.

I had to try to explain to a two year-old that the princess blanket is gone. Gone with the unconscious one. Smooth move; let the one who’s fully awake wonder where the world’s most important blanket is. She stared at me and repeated, "Me want princess blanket!!"

Without missing a beat, I grabbed the Elmo blanket and tried to put it on her. To no avail. She flung it off and emphatically cried, “ME WANT PRINCESS BLANKET!!”

“Sorry, pumpkin, but that’s gone. Elmo blanket’s just as good!” I ignored her crying and grabbed the first book I could lay my hands on and started reading a story to her.

• 9:40pm. I got the first phone call. "Hi. We still haven't seen a doctor, but we should be seen soon. They're moving us into a new room, so-". Evidently, the 'new room' had shielding or something, so the cell phone cut out.

• 10:15pm. Wings game was going into overtime. I was tense. Oh right, the other thing. Lori called again, this time from the hospital phone. "So, what's going on?" Wait. Shouldn't that be MY question? Oh well. I answered her with "well, we're going into overtime." Never ask an asshole a dumb question.

It was time to go meet them at the hospital. My next task was to get the neighbor to 'quasi babysit' the two kids in their bedrooms:

Status:

1. Brenna is dead to the world asleep, but has as of late been 'sans pacifier.' There was opportunity for a crises here. She was only 3 week into her new way of life.
   
   
2. Shae of course was STILL wound up. Crises in progress. Adding to the potential for disaster here was the fact that she is deathly afraid of 'strangers'. I take her to a parent-child swim class every Saturday, and she nearly chokes me once when she sees these people she's only seen every week for the past 6 weeks.

I got the neighbor as quickly as I could. As we walked back to our house, I noticed through the window that Shae had put her touch lamp to the highest power. I had my coat already on, and I was not about to go into her room to see what was up, since she'd see that I'm in a coat and would want to tag along, and of course notice the neighbor. I just let sleeping dogs lie and moved on.

It's now at the shootout stage of the hockey game, and I had to leave to drive to Oakwood to pick up Lori and Lia. The sand-blast blizzard made it hard for me to concentrate on the important thing - the hockey game - and I nearly missed the Emergency Room Entrance sign (well, mostly because the 8-1/2 x 11 sign is poorly lit).

I drove down this alleyway the hospital claims is a road, and went past the ER entrance, looking for a place to park. No such luck.

On my way back DOWN this 'road' (I've seen wider roads in Jamaica!), the salt started to work on the snow, and I noticed that the yellow line on the pavement must have been applied by a guy on PCP - this thing was all over the place!! Not straight at all.

I drove around the hospital looking for a place for patient pickup, but no luck. I went BACK to the ER entrance, and I noticed a snow-covered sandwich board: 'Valet Parking'.

No valet.

There's a little driveway up the side near the ER, so I went there, and saw a paper sign, ripped to shreds by wind and age, states (after piecing the 36 pieces together):

"Please use Valet or Security assistance for parking."

Sure.

Back to the ER entrance, no luck, notice YET AGAIN, that there's no valet or security. I wander back to the sign, and press the 'help' button, which instantly lifts the traffic arm so I can park. Thanks.

I went to the sardine-can ER reception room and saw a lady literally puking her guts out at the front door. Another patron, a kid, had an ankle the size of his forehead. The place was choc-full of sick and injured people.

In the midst of all this, sitting behind a plastic desk was a 90-year old nurse with what appeared to be an abacus.

I walked up to her. "Hi. I'm here to pick up my daughter. Where's pediatric ER?"

The nurse looked at me, and says, 'What's your last name, sir?"

"Murphy."

"Mackenzy?"

"No. Murphy. M, U, R-"

"No, the first name. Mackenzy?"

"No, Lia."

This nurse was very lucky, by the way. If all those sick people realized that, even though they were half-dead, they could easily outnumber and overpower a 90-year old lady, then heaven help her!

She walked me down some corridors to where Lia and Lori were sitting.

Lia was bouncing on the gurney. Lori informed me that as soon as they got into the hospital, Lia was doing the chicken walk down the hallways.

I truly felt bad. Here's this facility, filled past capacity (I mean, even the Who would say, 'Damn, you need to get some people out of there,') with truly sick and injured people. But since Lia came there in an ambulance, she was considered 'hi priority', even though she was just partying away in that ambulance and then spent her time doing the chicken walk down the hallways once she got here.

Back to the Timeline:

• 10:40pm. Still waiting for the doctor to come back with... something.

• 11:30pm. Finally, the doctor showed up, all 22 years of her, with..... a prescription. All of this, for an Epipen prescription. 11:30pm, and she walked in with a prescription. OY!

During the drive back home, Lia was babbling about something (luckily, no "f" words, Although I had a few I could have used). Outer Drive and Cherry Hill were covered with about 2 inches of fine, slick snow, so I literally skidded into our street.

We were home. Lia of course was all wound up after this adventure and we wondered what lay in store for us inside.

However, Jasmine, the neighbor, said things went fine. Shae had evidently opened the door at one point and looked down the hallway to see.... a stranger. Wondered to herself "where's mommy. Where's daddy.... where's sissy. Where's nana." But amazingly, she didn't go ballistic. Shae looked at Jasmine, got the answers, then wanted to be tucked back into bed.

The most important thing of the night: Wings win in overtime!!