XFBill

Please join me on this nostalgic trip down memory lane to the days immediately following the end of the Bill Clinton presidency. Here's a Redneck Report from just before the damage of GWB and his administration started to sink in. Let's journey back to the days where there was an XFL, and people were still snarking about Clinton's "evil," blissfully ignorant of the upcoming EVIL of George W Bush and Co. Remember, ignorance was truly bliss. I've thrown in a few editorial comments just to be a dick.

-Jebby

XFBill

Let's talk about Bill Clinton. What better way to define his character than observing the ending of his presidency? He said he didn't want to leave office, and he sure as hell tried to live up to the promise. He took the couches, sofas, silverware, ... hell, I'm sure if he had a chance, he'd have lifted FDR's wheelchair.

Editor's note: this was in regards to the then popular urban legend that Clinton's staff looted/trashed the White House on their way out. The legend has since been debunked. But it's fun to imagine Clinton and friends having a huge kegger on the final day, looting and trashing the place; setting little traps for the Bush people as pranks to laugh about later as they bang Clinton groupies back at Bubba's post-presidential plantation.

He's almost the perfect analogy of America: Smart as hell, but when someone actually examines his actions as President of the Free World, the only thing that can be said is, "What the fuck!?"

Here's a man who was at helm during the most prosperous, peaceful time in the nation's history. And what does he do? He gets a BJ from a bona-fido heifer and an untold number of other people (What, at last count didn't the Republicans dig up 88 people to claim that he came on to them) ?

Part of the problem is, with all these attack-dogs setting their sites on the Clintons when they do something stupid; everyone's on them like flies on horse manure. Even when they don't do something stupid, they're still lambasted and ridiculed like a the hillbillies they are.

Look at the Presidential Pardon situation: Reagan and Bush pardoned a comparable number of numb-nuts. Hell, even Carter pardoned Billy Bob. So Clinton pardons a Republican. One would think that this would make Republicans happy. Now the guy can come back from his Sylvester-Stallone-inspired Swedish vacation and start pumping up the GOP cash coffers again. Bubba gives him the old "get out of jail free" card (for either an arranged BJ or a few hundred thousand dollars, perhaps) and suddenly he is the world's worst ex-President.

Does anyone recall who Reagan pardoned? We know he doesn't, but that's not the argument here.

Like every other "leader" we've elected for the past 40 years (with the exception of Carter), the Big Thing is the almighty dollar. No matter which way we look at our modern presidents, they're all whore-mongers. It will make no difference when GWB leaves office in 4 years; he'll simply pardon the entire executive board of Exxon for turning Alaska into the La Brea Tar Pits. Bush pardons will be passed out to just about every Texan drug dealer Bush has ever had relations with.

The problem is, Cheney will be dead by then and someone else will have to learn how to write the pardons out for GWB.

So, what should we do about this?

Think of the power of the South. Who chose our most recent president? Well, aside from the Supreme Court, the South. And, which metropolis of America picked GWB? Tennessee. And what is Tennessee translated into from its native Choyhunga tongue? "He who watches far too much wrestling."

Vince McMahon has shown us the way. The XFL. I say, let's put a stack of pardon certificates on the 50 yard line of an XFL stadium, and put 150 people on the 30 yard line. The first 60 people to scramble to pardon certificates gets them.

Yes the XFL. Where else can one pretend to be watching football, while instead secretly ogling at scantly-clad stripper wannabes? Who can turn away from these Hooter girls moonlighting as cheerleaders? Those fine women are the prime example of why everyone needs to live in a double-wide. Get her home, and if your living establishment has axles, they're a comin' off! Woohoo!

I'm not sure which is more pathetic, the stripper "cheerleader" chicks or the players. Come on. These guys couldn't even get drafted by the Detroit Lions. Before now they would have ended the day going back to their jobs at Wall Mart and Valvoline.

And let's talk about the quality of performance required by the game. They announce the play live over TV, tell us the count, then announce the count OVER THE STADIUM SPEAKERS! If the defense can't figure out when to blitz, they just need to give up.

Most importantly; the cheerleaders can't even do a decent lap dance (trust me, just trust me).

Editor's Note: There is no *verifiable* evidence of Don getting lap dances from XFL Cheerleaders. If you watch "XFL Cheerleaders Gone Wild" (Volumes 3, 5, or 12), you will be forced to concede that the black bar across the eyes of the person who exactly resembles Don in every way shape or form is enough to cast the required shadow of doubt.

I'm not even sure if these "cheerleaders" can sew their own uniforms let alone perform a coherant 'cheer' in them. It looks like they went to a homeless shelter, maybe beat up a few hookers on their way, and - bammo presto! - their new outfits are complete.

I'm not saying that the NFL doesn't need help. It does. It needs help in going away. It's taking far too much time away from China and Triple H. What ever happened to a nice helpful little Smackdown for the night? If you ever wondered why it's titled as such: What do husbands do to their wives after watching an hour's worth of a wrestling program?

Clinton's out of the oval office, and .... who the hell is in? Oh yea.

Cheney will be forced to try to warm up our economy. Will he be able to do it? I sure as hell hope so for your sake! There's only so many head-fry positions available at the local McDonald's franchise, and I intend to get hired before you can!

Who can we now watch with OJ-like glee and guffaw?

Who else will lift the mirror to America and say, "See, you're as shallow, self-centered and crazy as I?"

Surely GWB won't. He's having enough trouble reading it as we speak. At least now the GED-owners of the country have someone to aspire to.