Big Boy©® Saga™

I'm combining Big Boy©® Saga™ excerpts from two separate Redneck Reports for your reading convenience. There is more to the Big Boy©® Saga™ that remains as of yet undiscovered, for example there is a first chapter that I do not have access to, nor have ever seen. Perhaps Don will pull a 'George Lucas' on us; later giving me the resources to publish a Big Boy©® Prequel™ blog and explain the origin of Big Boy©® and how Mitch "Spice Pirate" Range fits into the storyline. We can only hope.

For now, we work with what we have. We join the saga with Episode 2, culled from Don's infamous "Wedding Report," then I'll continue with the final entry from this Big Boy©® Trilogy™, harvested from a later Report called "The Top Seven Signs." I'll follow this up with an insightful epilogue about Big Boy©®'s later years. Enjoy!
-Jebby

Big Boy©® Saga™
Episode 2: The Badge Wars
culled from "Wedding Report"
Special Internet Version
Collector's edition
*special guest non-appearance by Mitch Range as
'Wacky guy from earlier part of the story that remains untold'

Not too long ago in this galaxy, fairly close to here, Mitch bought a Big Boy©®*. And it's still on my dashboard.

*Editor's note: get those emails out to Don , start the campaign to uncover that lost Redneck Report. Mitch is depending on you!

But today was to be an important day. Today BIG BOY©® GOT A BADGE.

Well, not a real official actual badge, but he definitely got "a badge," that's for sure.

Every year, there's a "big" festival which takes place in the center of Plymouth (Motto: We ain't Royal Oak, that's for sure). Actually I really wouldn't call it big. And it's really not a festival (Not like Mardi Gras, that's what I mean).

It's more or less a "Small Outing." Like the Black Creek Swamp Festival, for those of us Hicks who've seen it That's all three of us, Adam and Lauren! I know what you're thinking: Why would Don call Lauren a Hick? Well, I'll tell you. It's because it's a small festival.

I mean, the whole city goes out and eats barbecue ribs, some burgers, maybe a few hot dogs. And at the end of the day, everyone pukes in the nicest car. And, Big Boy©®, did they have a lot of those. Including a fully restored Karman Ghia, Adam. Well, it really wasn't fully restored; they merely took the engine and interior of a Ghia and built a concept car around it. But you could still tell what it was. After the man next to me pointed it out.

Sorry, I was diverging again. I'll get back on topic. John and I walked around this quiet little afternoon festival, soaking in all the festivities, and praying to Satan. It was most festive. And, boom, I'll do a flashback.

We woke up in the morning, wanting to eat. Imagine that, me wanting to eat! We went to John's most favorite diner. And for some dumb reason, the name's just not coming to me.* But it's nice, and if you're ever up in Plymouth, eat there. (Big sign, I think it says, "John's favorite diner," but don't quote me).

*Editor's Note: It's called Bodes. Pronounced "Bow-dees." It's awesome, their hash and eggs special is to die for. They even stock Frank's Red Hot. I don't know Frank personally but I'd die for that magnificent bastard and his unbeatable hot sauce. Oops back to the story, sorry for the disruption.

Whatever it's called, it looks like a typical greasy spoon: Booths lining the wall, a dozen bar stools at the front counter, two really ugly cooks, and many young girls working the floor. Well, some weren't that young. Especially ours (she was about twenty. Old age in waitress talk). And, Big Boy©®, did she look nice with that toy badge resting on her. . . oh, sorry. Didn't see the ladies. She had a toy police badge on her uniform. And did it look good where it was resting!

So, after a few, "You can pat me down any time you want!" jokes later, we left to the above-mentioned festival. Flashback ends.

John and I walked up to this cop working a corner. I know what you're thinking. And no, I didn't ask him how much he charged an hour. And, no, he wasn't in a red dress! But he was in a cop uniform. And he had toy badges. Badges?! Badges?! We don't need no stinking badges!! But we grabbed some anyhow. And now Big Boy©® is a certified Junior Police Officer of the city of Plymouth. And, him sitting on my dashboard and all is quite a cool thing!

Big Boy©® Saga™
Episode 3: Revenge of the Funky Pheasant
culled from "The Top Seven Signs"
Special Internet Version
Collector's edition

Did you realize that Officer Big Boy©® can really get down and get funky? No, really, it's true. Many years ago. . . gather around, kiddies, grandpa's telling a story. . . Big Boy©® looked a lot like John Travolta.

There was one big difference, though: Travolta had a speech impediment, making him a poor choice for movies. Oh, and Travolta couldn't dance worth spit, either. Those two selling points landed him the leading role in Saturday Night Fever. Or was it his ability to suck dick better than Madonna? I forget.

But, anyhow, the director needed someone to fill in for Travolta during the dance sequences. And, believe it or not, driving around Plymouth one day, as all famous movie directors are known to do, he saw on the hood of a newish green Escort LX something that changed the movie for the better. Big Boy©®! Doin' the Funky Chicken. Or Funky President. Ask Jebby which one it was, because I was too busy laughing at Big Boy©®'s antics. For that matter, everyone who passed us was laughing. . . . But they were pointing at me. . . wait a minute. . . THEY WERE POINTING AT ME!!!!

Well, anyhow, Big Boy©® was a-struttin his stuff on the hood, and on the roof, and on the window. Arms a-swingin' and butt a-shakin' like he just don't care! God, it was a sight. Just like the time I was in Nam, blastin' down those gooks. They could fight hard and fierce, ya know, but I had my trusty 50 caliber with me. Betsy, I called her. God, she was sweet. Had the strongest odor of gun powder on any gun this side of Saigon. And Black. Whoo Boy!

Where was I. . . . Oh yea, the director obviously was blown away by Big Boy©®'s Funky Pheasant dance moves and subsequently used him as John Travolta's dance double in Saturday Night Fever. In fact, when you watch the movie if you look closely at the movie's dance sequences, you can actually see the famous Big Boy©®'s checkered t-shirt under the tacky white suit Travolta made famous.

Travolta was not happy. About Big Boy©® doubling for him. And maybe about the tacky white suit.

So he tricked Officer Big Boy©®* into becoming fat by eating too many hamburgers. Nothing as tasty as McDonald's hamburgers, mind you, but they were good. See, Travolta had Wayde cook up special hamburgers. Ones with real cow meat.

That's hard to come by these days, mind you. Now, they're mainly pig and horse by-products. But, that's America for you. And Big Boy©® liked them. He liked them so much, he bought the company. Now, his likeness stands outside his world famous restaurants, making sure Wayde never leaves. . . . What? He did leave? Doooh!

*Big Boy became an official Junior Member of the Plymouth Police Force in Big Boy©® Saga™ Episode 2: The Badge Wars. In case you already forgot


Insightful Epilogue:
Big Boy©® went on to star in many Loose Change TV©®™ sketches, often stealing the scenes from such accomplished performers as Dementia Don™, Poppa Palooza™, Jebby™, and others. Most say his shining moment was in a sketch about a Christian Gun Coalition where his dancing stole the entire sketch right out from under Palooza. Big Boy©® lived a productive fame-filled life up until the early oughts, and then surprisingly faded into obese obscurity, going missing sometime between 2005 and today. His whereabouts are currently unknown. He is officially listed as "missing, presumed chubby."

Details regarding his disappearance are not even sketchy, they are completely unknown. Meaning I totally forgot what happened to him. I blame society. Did he slip away one night, looking for a life I could not give him? I never promised him a burger garden.

Some say he's goofing on Fat Elvis with Andy Kauffman, others say he's swimming with the tunas alongside Jimmy Hoffa. The world may never know. He could be off somewhere finding out how many licks it takes to get to the bottom of a Tootsie Pop©®™. Or, he could be using the alias of Patrick Stewart or Harvey Keitel at a strip bar near you.

Live or dead, his chubbed out physical form continues to inspire us all to eat too much. His sacred likeness can be seen towering, sometimes spinning, with a delicious burger in hand, other times motionless with a piercing stare that makes you fear for your stomach, in front of Elias Brothers©® restaurants™ everywhere. Just who is this St. Elias©® and why is he such a key member in Big Boy©® Mythology™? That's a story for another time.

-Jebby