The Top Seven Signs

The nigh-apocalypse is penultimately near, and the only hope for Man is Beer. Read on for important details, true believers. 'Nuff said.
-Jebby

Well, it has become official. Nearly ten years ago, scientists uncovered a sealed document in the Nike Missile Bases on Grosse Ile. When they opened said seal, they uncovered the most horrifying, most shocking truth yet; the Top Seven Signs. They wanted to keep it quiet. They didn't want the population to know. How close are we to apocalypse? How close to Hell? How close to the end?

With the help of Prophet Schnock, the truth can be told, in all its gory detail. Here, for the first time in the history of Man, you shall know the Truth. Read on, oh yea Brave Hearted, and find out how near we are to the End. How close we are to the Satan Child:

The Top Seven Signs
as foreseen by Prophet Schnock

1. Ian Douglas, formally known as the Ianator, finds something hideous and evil. Instead of doing the right thing and burning it, he sleeps with it. It turns Ian into a spineless yellow-bellied dog, who's only objective is to complete the mission of McSatan.
   
   
2. Jose Casas attracts a member of the opposite sex.
   
   
3. Mitch Range steals his answering machine message from a "girlie show." (90210 to be precise)
   
   
4. Michael Bauser joins the working force.
   
   
5. Donald Murphy stops drinking.
   
   
6. The Prophet Schnock puts in less than 178 hours per week as a member of the working community.
   
   
7. Michael Bauser drives an automobile.
   

After all of these Signs appear, McSatan shall be able to enter into our Earthly realm. This shall be attained through the First Sign. The Unknown Mass shall be with child. This child will have the Mark of McSatan. It's name shall be forever embroidered onto the very fabric of fast food forever.

So, yes, Dear Reader, we see how close we are to Hell's door. How close we are to death.

BE WARNED!!

Realize that the only way out, the only Safeguard from Hell on Earth, rests in the Hands, nay, the Bladder, of a "True Warrior." Please, help mankind. Please, send your beer, in mass quantities, to:

Well, actually, since I don't live there anymore, I won't give you the information. In fact, just send it to your local Ronald McDonald's house. They'll know what to do with it.

THE SEVEN SIGNS© is a trademark of McSatan, Inc.
All rules and regulations of McSatan are followed by the standards of the General Law of Occults.
Have you experienced McDeath today?

Boy, don't you just hate those paid advertisements?

Kinda spooky, though, when you come to think of it. . . . Suddenly it makes sense.

I think I'm almost totally caught up with what's been going on lately. From here on out, it'll all be mop up. No connection between stories. Just pure nonsense. Just like it always is. . . . In Murpher World.

Why does Kevin Costner's face always appear whenever I say that?

Well. Had a grand time watching Adam's wedding on the ol' VHS. Something spooky happened, though. After Adam and Lauren said, "I do," a gigantic picture of Scott's face appeared on the screen, saying, "Sorry I couldn't be there, guys!"

Wahoo. The irony just killed me. Well, actually it wasn't Scott's face that first appeared; it was flying fish. But it just wasn't as funny. It was Wayde's fault, I swear to God! He forgot tapes, and. . . well, you'd never believe what Adam found in the overnighted package!

Actually, it didn't happen that way at all. Nightmare's over for everyone.

Wayde actually . . . erased the tape containing Scott's toast by tossing it into the Detroit River. Well, maybe not that, either.

OK. OK. The God's awful truth is that only Adam and I have seen it. And I'm holding on to it until Mitch gives Dex the copy of Cronos, or whatever the hell that Hunter S. Thompson book is called. There, don't I fell better now?

You know, I'm kind of glad I don't live in Delaware. What the hell is there to do there? It's almost as bad as Ohio, for crying out loud!

"Hey, let's go out and watch the corn grow!"

Doooh! Well, at least it's not as bad as. . . Indiana.

"Hey, let's go out and watch the corn grow!"

Argh. Same thing. OKOKOKOK. Well, thank God I live in . . . Michigan. Detroit. Plus CORN!

Nuts, foiled again. OKOKOKOK. Well, thank God I live in California. More Mexicans than Mexico, and a gangs at every corner for your convenience! ARRRRGH!!!!

Thank God for Canada! Nuff said.

Hockey and Movie Stars.....


Polar Bears and Molson Beers.....


Hey look, it's the Beer-Drinkin' Hillbillies!